Heading Home, Falling Star

Star Streaker
Originally uploaded by Extra Medium

Ann Palizzi and her grandsons are coming to Washington for a month, beginning Friday.

Meanwhile, David Ragsdale has asked for a new attorney. There is an interesting article from ksl.com here.

(Click on the picture for photo credits.)

Medications Work

I feel that I should mention that I am on four medications to help manage my bipolar symptoms, and they are helping a lot. For so many years I tried to avoid medications, thinking they were unhealthy. I was wrong, and I'm so thankful for them now. For those who are interested, here is the list.

Atenolol--this is for migraine prevention and it took me from 13 migraines in the month of May 2007, to no migraines as soon as I began taking it.

Lexapro--for depression. I have not yet reached the dosage I need apparently, but we are taking it slow. It is helping.

Lamictal--for mood stabilization. I no longer experience nights of insomnia nor manic bouts of frantic energy. Being able to go to bed at the same time every night and to get up at the same time every morning is very helpful to my well-being. My doctors have emphasized repeatedly the importance of regular sleep for good health, mental and physical, and I'm thankful for this medication which is making this possible.

Lorazepam--this one I take as needed for greater than usual anxiety. It makes me sleepy, so I often end up taking it after an anxiety-producing event, and it calms me down.

I am so thankful for good health insurance. I don't want to be over dramatic, but bipolar disorder is a life-threatening disease. At the very least, I suspect I would have become, without these medications, a very heavy emotional weight for my family to carry. I feel very thankful for the help which has been given me.

Being "Touched with Fire"

I have been reading the book Touched with Fire, as recommended by my psychologist, and I am finding it fascinating and encouraging. It seems that my manic and depressed moods may be meaningful beyond what I had supposed.

I have been depressed for weeks now. Looking back on my adult life, I now see that I have been through periods of hypomania, as well as other bouts of depression, but this time has been the worst. Even with multiple medications, and frequent counseling in sessions with a good psychologist, I continue to find the ordinary tasks of day-to-day life extremely taxing, and I leave my house, when necessary, only to return emotionally exhausted, and less able to face life than before. My daughter has been doing the grocery shopping, and my son getting himself other rides to the places to which I used to drive him. Attending church, when I am able to do it, is the most difficult thing I do all week.

The medications I am taking are by no means useless, however. I am confident that without them, I would be much more depressed than I am. I am still able to function in my tasks at home. I am emotionally drained, but not in despair. My mood is clouded by sadness, but I continue to have hope and times of laughter and love. (As those who understand depression know, it is not merely a condition of sadness.) With the help of Lamictal, I have also been able to go to sleep at the same time every night, and awaken at the same time every morning, which is a very helpful improvement in my routine. I am not manic anymore, where as before medication I was in a mixed state of mania and depression most of the time. I also think that the depression is lifting, although incrementally.

Interestingly, Touched with Fire has helped me to understand why my time creating quilts is a time that I find that I feel well. Quilting is a highly creative activity for me. I do not use patterns, but approach each project as a fresh work of art. I feel that I am using fabrics as I would use paints on a canvas. Playing with color combinations immerses me in a joy I find nowhere else. So I quilt, all day and into the evening, every day but the Sabbath. And I have learned, through reading the book, that art has been a means of healing and escape from emotional pain for many before me.

Whether or not my creations are acknowledged as worthy to be called art by others, the process of bringing them forth is certainly helpful to me. I realize now, too, how the creativity involved in writing has giving me respite in the past from the racing thought processes associated with mania. Writing, especially writing poems, has disciplined and ordered my chaotic mind. Now, in my depressed state, creating quilts is turning my focus to beauty rather than pain.

I feel very blessed that I can create, however simple the results of my efforts. I recognize that there is meaning in my madness, beyond simply enduring to the end. I feel God's love in all of this, and I am thankful.

The Lamictal Rash

My daughter got the dreaded Lamictal rash. During her fourth week on a Lamictal starter kit, she was putting on moisturizer one morning and noticed two small purple blotches on the underside of her chin. Since she was due to visit the psychiatrist in a couple of days, she continued the Lamictal until her appointment. From day to day the blotches made no change whatsoever. At the doctor's advice, she stopped taking the Lamictal and switched to Depakote. The rash was completely gone in a couple of days.

It's good that there are options available. The Depakote seems to be fine. Now I'm on Lamictal myself, week two, and I am carefully watching my skin.

Health Update

So, what is my life like these days? Here is a little of it. I have wanted to post something about this for a while, but couldn't figure out how to do it just right. The bottom line is that in getting help for my daughter's depression, it became clear that both she and I have bipolar disorder. We are both being seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and we feel very hopeful about getting healthier in the days and years to come. (After all, we didn't just get it, we have had it, and will now get help.) Anyway, as I am pretty mind-numb just now, my daughter agreed to tell you what having bipolar disorder means for her. (I am sure I will have more to say in future posts.)

Here she is:

Uhh.. okay.
Bipolar, for me, is a fluctuation between four different things: a depressed state, a manic state, an anxious state, and a "normal" state. Then there's also differences and fluctuations in physical, emotional, and mental energy.

I'm pretty sure my mom and I are fast-cycling in our Bipolar. For three or four days we will have a baseline of one of the four states. Then within those days, there are other, maybe "mini states" that happen. For example, I'll be feeing a baseline depression, a manic state on top of that, and have low physical energy. I think I go through three different cycles within a day. Usually normal in the morning, anxious in the afternoon, and manic at night. Depression just likes to turn up whenever it can.

I have no idea if I'm explaining this well. Umm..

When you're depressed, you feel hopeless. Everything looks dark. You can't possibly feel happy, and when you do, it's extremely short-lived.

My manic state is usually what people would consider "hyper". I have fast moving thoughts, and I'm generally pretty perky. I laugh a lot. The downside is that I am agitated. I twitch and move a lot. I'm also quick to anger and I lash out without thinking.

Anxiety is just that fluttering, scared, unsettled feeling. I guess that could be part of manic, but it gets so extreme for me, I put it in a different category.

And normal. ♥ Normal is when nothing is really taking you over. You are generally in control of your emotions and impulses. When I'm normal I'm at peace and pretty happy.

A couple weeks ago I had a baseline normal state and I'd go through mini cycles throughout each day, but life was much more manageable. I'd feel anxious, but it wasn't overwhelming.

I guess the big sucky part about bipolar is that you're REALLY overwhelmed by any type of emotion. It's like you're feeling it as strongly as you possibly can, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm on a medication called Lamictal. It helps to keep my lows and highs at a less extreme level. Instead of constantly switching above or below the line, swinging like crazy, I can stay pretty close to that happy medium.

But I guess.. even though I'm feeling bitter about it today, bipolar is also a really cool thing. Since you experience all type of emotions and fatigue, you can really empathize with other people's problems. I think there was also some study that bipolar people are more likely to be creative, but I don't know about that.

That's enough. I tried, mom.

Atenolol Quilt

I've decided the Atenolol quilt is well-made enough to be shared. I will be giving it to our church quilt drive. I'm folding it up and putting it away with the Humanitarian Dolls. It's a good feeling to know I made a quilt to pass along. I hope it is just the first of many.

Another Quilt

I finished another quilt! I'm calling this one the Atenolol Quilt, because I'm attributing this new ability to finish projects to the Beta Blocker I'm on for migraine prevention. I truly never, ever thought I would make a quilt, let alone two. This one took a bit longer than the first, because I hand-quilted the borders. (You catch that? I hand-quilted the borders.)