Health Update

So, what is my life like these days? Here is a little of it. I have wanted to post something about this for a while, but couldn't figure out how to do it just right. The bottom line is that in getting help for my daughter's depression, it became clear that both she and I have bipolar disorder. We are both being seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and we feel very hopeful about getting healthier in the days and years to come. (After all, we didn't just get it, we have had it, and will now get help.) Anyway, as I am pretty mind-numb just now, my daughter agreed to tell you what having bipolar disorder means for her. (I am sure I will have more to say in future posts.)

Here she is:

Uhh.. okay.
Bipolar, for me, is a fluctuation between four different things: a depressed state, a manic state, an anxious state, and a "normal" state. Then there's also differences and fluctuations in physical, emotional, and mental energy.

I'm pretty sure my mom and I are fast-cycling in our Bipolar. For three or four days we will have a baseline of one of the four states. Then within those days, there are other, maybe "mini states" that happen. For example, I'll be feeing a baseline depression, a manic state on top of that, and have low physical energy. I think I go through three different cycles within a day. Usually normal in the morning, anxious in the afternoon, and manic at night. Depression just likes to turn up whenever it can.

I have no idea if I'm explaining this well. Umm..

When you're depressed, you feel hopeless. Everything looks dark. You can't possibly feel happy, and when you do, it's extremely short-lived.

My manic state is usually what people would consider "hyper". I have fast moving thoughts, and I'm generally pretty perky. I laugh a lot. The downside is that I am agitated. I twitch and move a lot. I'm also quick to anger and I lash out without thinking.

Anxiety is just that fluttering, scared, unsettled feeling. I guess that could be part of manic, but it gets so extreme for me, I put it in a different category.

And normal. ♥ Normal is when nothing is really taking you over. You are generally in control of your emotions and impulses. When I'm normal I'm at peace and pretty happy.

A couple weeks ago I had a baseline normal state and I'd go through mini cycles throughout each day, but life was much more manageable. I'd feel anxious, but it wasn't overwhelming.

I guess the big sucky part about bipolar is that you're REALLY overwhelmed by any type of emotion. It's like you're feeling it as strongly as you possibly can, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm on a medication called Lamictal. It helps to keep my lows and highs at a less extreme level. Instead of constantly switching above or below the line, swinging like crazy, I can stay pretty close to that happy medium.

But I guess.. even though I'm feeling bitter about it today, bipolar is also a really cool thing. Since you experience all type of emotions and fatigue, you can really empathize with other people's problems. I think there was also some study that bipolar people are more likely to be creative, but I don't know about that.

That's enough. I tried, mom.