On the Power of Words

Heading Home, Falling Star

Star Streaker
Originally uploaded by Extra Medium

Ann Palizzi and her grandsons are coming to Washington for a month, beginning Friday.

Meanwhile, David Ragsdale has asked for a new attorney. There is an interesting article from ksl.com here.

(Click on the picture for photo credits.)

lusaka.2002.

lusaka.2002.
Originally uploaded by javiekitela

Just love this somehow. Click here for another video, which I guarantee will make you feel better about the world we live in.

Just for Funny

Thank you again, N.

Better Health Through Blogging

I know it is good for me. For an article about the possible health benefits of blogging, read this.

(Thank you, C.)
Thank you to this photographer for the illustration.

Our Marriage

FarmBoy grows things.
Dallan sews things.

David Ragsdale's Medications

Having BiPolar Disorder myself, I am a believer in medications for psychiatric conditions. I have experienced for myself their positive effects. I have also experienced some negative side-effects, including uncharacteristic behavior, triggered by medications which were a bad match for my personal system. I have been fortunate to be under the care of very capable professionals who have monitered well my reactions. All that being so, I found this article regarding the medications David Ragsdale may have been taking at the time of his murder of his wife Kristy interesting.

I certainly agree with this particular passage from The Daily Herald:

"Psychiatric disorders are very real disorders," Yau said. "There is a scientific base for treating psychiatric disorders with medications. Problems have come from people who do not believe psychiatric disorders are real, or it's just a matter of someone not choosing the right lifestyle."

Despite the bad press that his profession sometimes receives, Paulson pointed out that great strides have been made in the field of psychiatry over the past 15-20 years. Patients who would have been confined to mental institutions several decades ago are now leading productive lives thanks to psychiatric medications.

"There's a number of people with severe mental illness like schizophrenia that are actually able to hold down jobs and function in family life, which was inconceivable before," he said.

Many people may have already formed opinions on whether it was Ragsdale or his medications that were responsible for the death of his wife. Without analyzing him personally, Grosser, Peterson, Paulson and Yau were unwilling to venture a guess on whether his family's claims were true, or even whether they are plausible.

"I don't think anyone would put themselves in such a position to make such a response on just knowing about it from the news," Yau said. "Human beings are so complex, whether you're on medication or not on medication."

I am very thankful that I do not have to be a judge in this matter. Only God can truly know our hearts and our powers of agency.

A New Blog

I have started another blog, about my daily experiences as a home-bound latter-day saint, called "One Broken Off". If you would like to check it out, click here.

Thoughts from a Kindred Spirit

Here is a blog post from a lovely and articulate young woman who is challenged by AD/HD and Bipolar II, as I am. She expresses so well some of the challenges we face. (Thank you for sharing, Emily.)

I Am Not Alone

Below is a scripture to which I have been led again and again. It brings comfort to me as I recognize that, due to the inabilities of some to trust and understand me, and due to my own need for isolation at this time, I am like one upon an isle of the sea. And yet, being upon an isle of the sea does not mean that I am cast off. The Lord has brought me to where I am for His purposes and, because I choose Him, He reaches me and will raise me up, even from this place unknown to others. It also reminds me that I am not the only one who faces such challenges, for it speaks to each of us who find ourselves on "the isles of the sea," a great community of brothers and sisters unknown to one another, but connected through the common awareness of the Lord.

From 2 Nephi 10:
20 And now, my beloved brethren, seeing that our merciful God has given us so great knowledge concerning these things, let us remember him, and lay aside our sins, and not hang down our heads, for we are not cast off; nevertheless, we have been ^adriven out of the land of our inheritance; but we have been led to a ^bbetter land, for the Lord has made the sea our ^cpath, and we are upon an ^disle of the sea.

21 But great are the promises of the Lord unto them who are upon the ^aisles of the sea; wherefore as it says isles, there must needs be more than this, and they are inhabited also by our brethren.

22 For behold, the Lord God has ^aled away from time to time from the house of Israel, according to his will and pleasure. And now behold, the Lord remembereth all them who have been broken off, wherefore he remembereth us also.

23 Therefore, ^acheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are ^bfree to ^cact for yourselves—to ^dchoose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.

24 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, ^areconcile yourselves to the ^bwill of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the ^cgrace of God that ye are ^dsaved.

25 Wherefore, may God ^araise you from death by the power of the resurrection, and also from everlasting death by the power of the ^batonement, that ye may be received into the ^ceternal kingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine. Amen.

Another Book of Mormon passage which brings me solace is this one from Mosiah, chapter 24:
14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as ^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did ^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

There is a time to fight, and there is a time to submit. I feel the Lord has brought me to where I am for His wise purposes and that He will deliver me, but it will be in His own time. I feel peace as I submit as cheerfully as I am able.

(My thanks to this photographer for the picture above.)

For When Doubts Arise

"The result was the next morning they decided that they really would go and tell the whole thing to the Professor. 'He'll write to Father if he thinks there is really something wrong with Lu,' said Peter; 'it's getting beyond us.' So they went and knocked at the study door, and the Professor said 'Come in,' and got up and found chairs for them and said he was quite at their disposal. Then he sat listening to them with the tips of his fingers pressed together and never interrupting, till they had finished the whole story. After that he said nothing for quite a long time. Then he cleared his throat and said the last thing either of them expected:
"'How do you know,' he asked, 'that your sister's story is not true?'
"'Oh, but--' began Susan, and then stopped. Anyone could see from the old man's face that he was perfectly serious. Then Susan pulled herself together and said, 'But Edmund said they had only been pretending.'
"'That is a point,' said the Professor, 'which certainly deserves consideration; very careful consideration. For instance--if you will excuse me for asking the question--does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is the most truthful?'
"'That's just the funny thing about it, sir,' said Peter. "Up till now, I'd have said Lucy every time.'
"'And what do you think, my dear?' said the Professor, turning to Susan.
"'Well,' said Susan, 'in general, I'd say the same as Peter, but this couldn't be true--all this about the wood and the Faun.'
"'That is more than I know,' said the Professor, 'and a charge of lying against someone whom you have always found truthful is a very serious thing; a very serious thing indeed.'
"'We were afraid it mightn't even by lying,' said Susan; 'we thought there might be something wrong with Lucy.'
"'Madness, you mean?' said the Professor quite coolly. 'Oh, you can make your minds easy about that. One has only to look at her and talk to her to see that she is not mad.'
"'But then,' said Susan, and stopped. She had never dreamed that a grown-up would talk like the Professor and didn't know what to think.
"'Logic! said the Professor half to himself. 'Why don't they teach logic at these schools? There are only three possibilities. Either your sister is telling lies, or she is mad, or she is telling the truth. You know she doesn't tell lies and it is obvious that she is not mad. For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up, we must assume that she is telling the truth.'"

C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Harper Trophy Paperback, pages 50-52

Dallan here:
This passage came into my mind this morning, and I felt strongly that I must post it. I began to search for it in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but quickly became discouraged, thinking it could be in one of the other books of the Chronicles of Narnia series, and that I might have very much trouble finding it. I said a prayer for help, and immediately opened The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to the very page on which the passage begins.

A Poem for Me, for You

I was browsing today in a little poetry book passed on to me by my mother. It is called Two Hundred Best Poems for Boys and Girls and was compiled by Marjorie Barrows and published back in 1930 (and 1938) by the Whitman Publishing Company of Racine, Wisconsin. (It has the sweetest little silhouettes by Janet Laura Scott and Paula Rees Good throughout.) On page 14 of this little browned volume, I came upon this poem which seemed so much to describe the philosophy of my life, especially as I face the challenges of mental illness. I have added the poem to my sidebar, and I share it now here with you.

Morning
Hilda Conkling
There is a brook I must hear
Before I go to sleep.
There is a birch tree I must visit
Every night of clearness.
I have to do some dreaming,
I have to listen a great deal,
Before light comes back
By a silver arrow of cloud,
And I rub my eyes and say
It must be morning on this hill!

A Link to Greater Understanding

Here is a link to a page for LDS church leaders and members regarding mental illness. I hope it helps.

Kay Redfield Jamison on her Bipolar Experience

Nature Understands

Depression is a lonely state which nature understands.

Medications Work

I feel that I should mention that I am on four medications to help manage my bipolar symptoms, and they are helping a lot. For so many years I tried to avoid medications, thinking they were unhealthy. I was wrong, and I'm so thankful for them now. For those who are interested, here is the list.

Atenolol--this is for migraine prevention and it took me from 13 migraines in the month of May 2007, to no migraines as soon as I began taking it.

Lexapro--for depression. I have not yet reached the dosage I need apparently, but we are taking it slow. It is helping.

Lamictal--for mood stabilization. I no longer experience nights of insomnia nor manic bouts of frantic energy. Being able to go to bed at the same time every night and to get up at the same time every morning is very helpful to my well-being. My doctors have emphasized repeatedly the importance of regular sleep for good health, mental and physical, and I'm thankful for this medication which is making this possible.

Lorazepam--this one I take as needed for greater than usual anxiety. It makes me sleepy, so I often end up taking it after an anxiety-producing event, and it calms me down.

I am so thankful for good health insurance. I don't want to be over dramatic, but bipolar disorder is a life-threatening disease. At the very least, I suspect I would have become, without these medications, a very heavy emotional weight for my family to carry. I feel very thankful for the help which has been given me.

My Satisfying, Solitary Life

For those who have been wondering, here is what my life is like currently. I am quite content. I have found it necessary to trim my life down to essential functions. Having done so, I feel happy with it. The only problem--or is it a problem?--is that my life is quite different from the lives of most people.

I scarcely leave my house. I try very hard to walk in the afternoons with my husband. I love his company and it is a good feeling to be out in nature, but it is very hard to get out the door. I continue to struggle with balance in this. Every week my husband takes me grocery shopping. We go to a small store with which I am very familiar, and, since he is with me, I enjoy the trip. It feels good to take care of the food needs of my family. Every week I consider attending church, but I become unhealthfully anxious just thinking about it, and I stay home. Recently I was able to take the Holy Sacrament in my home, and I wept for the tender mercies of the Lord. I hope that, while I continue to be ill, I can take the blessed bread and water at home with some regularity.

Visits from non-family members tend to make me feel anxious and frightened, but I love to be surrounded by family. Holding a baby is most therapeutic, and there is nothing I like better than a happy two-year-old. I love visiting with sons and daughters and I absolutely cherish time with my husband. Life doesn't get much better than sitting on the couch with him eating warm chocolate pudding as we watch a classic old movie.

My daily routine is to feast on the scriptures and to quilt, quilt, quilt. I am going to make some quilts to sell so that I can afford better to buy the beautiful fabric I so love. Creativity is healing. I feel good when I am making quilts. I buy the things I need online, with an occasional trip to a local store--accompanied by my husband--to buy thread when I run out.

I have been counseled by my psychologist to keep my life simple and to avoid stress as much as I can, as it makes me ill to be in anxiety-producing situations. He said to me one day, "You don't have to do anything." It felt to me as if my loving Heavenly Father was speaking directly to me through this kind and wise man. The Lord knows the desires of my heart. I have felt his approval and love again and again through this solitary time. I feel it is right to just go with it for now, even though it is different than the lives led by others.

Bipolar Stories

I found this collection of video clips at the BBC site. I have not experienced everything described, of course, but I found much with which I could identify in these accounts from others who have Bipolar Disorder, as I do. Please take the time to understand better what this illness is like for those of us who live with it by clicking on the link here, and viewing (or listening to) these short clips. Thanks.

Helpful Practices and Things

I am beginning to feel better, and I am cautiously optimistic that depression may be lifting. I have learned that I need to keep my life very simple and infused with goodness. Here are some of my helpful practices and things:

Immersing myself in beauty, from such things as lovely fabrics, quilts, good writing, and nature.
Grocery shopping with a list to lessen decision-making in a stressful environment.
Doing necessary local shopping at small, familiar stores during off hours.
Letting the phone take messages instead of answering every call.
Staying in contact with friends through email.
Visiting with family.
Online shopping.
One-dish meals.
Old movies.
Chocolate.
Prayer.
Love.

Depression is a Cunning Adversary

I have much to be joyful about today, yet I awoke in a meltdown mode, and have been crying intermittently all day. Depression has no logic; it attacks without provocation. Even quilting holds little appeal for me today. I am dreading the trip to the grocery store I need to make tonight.

I do have hope of a turn for the better, however. That means a lot.