"The lesson [Henry David Thoreau] had taught himself, and which he tried to teach others, was summed up in the one word 'Simplify.' That meant simplify the outward circumstances of your life, simplify your needs and your ambitions; learn to delight in the simple pleasures which the world of Nature affords. It meant also, scorn public opinion, refuse to accept the common definitions of success, refuse to be moved by the judgment of others. And unlike most who advocate such attitudes, he put them into practice." (Walden and Other Writings by Henry David Thoreau--Edited and with an Introduction by Joseph Wood Krutch, Bantam Books, 1962, P. 1)

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Being "Touched with Fire"

I have been reading the book Touched with Fire, as recommended by my psychologist, and I am finding it fascinating and encouraging. It seems that my manic and depressed moods may be meaningful beyond what I had supposed.

I have been depressed for weeks now. Looking back on my adult life, I now see that I have been through periods of hypomania, as well as other bouts of depression, but this time has been the worst. Even with multiple medications, and frequent counseling in sessions with a good psychologist, I continue to find the ordinary tasks of day-to-day life extremely taxing, and I leave my house, when necessary, only to return emotionally exhausted, and less able to face life than before. My daughter has been doing the grocery shopping, and my son getting himself other rides to the places to which I used to drive him. Attending church, when I am able to do it, is the most difficult thing I do all week.

The medications I am taking are by no means useless, however. I am confident that without them, I would be much more depressed than I am. I am still able to function in my tasks at home. I am emotionally drained, but not in despair. My mood is clouded by sadness, but I continue to have hope and times of laughter and love. (As those who understand depression know, it is not merely a condition of sadness.) With the help of Lamictal, I have also been able to go to sleep at the same time every night, and awaken at the same time every morning, which is a very helpful improvement in my routine. I am not manic anymore, where as before medication I was in a mixed state of mania and depression most of the time. I also think that the depression is lifting, although incrementally.

Interestingly, Touched with Fire has helped me to understand why my time creating quilts is a time that I find that I feel well. Quilting is a highly creative activity for me. I do not use patterns, but approach each project as a fresh work of art. I feel that I am using fabrics as I would use paints on a canvas. Playing with color combinations immerses me in a joy I find nowhere else. So I quilt, all day and into the evening, every day but the Sabbath. And I have learned, through reading the book, that art has been a means of healing and escape from emotional pain for many before me.

Whether or not my creations are acknowledged as worthy to be called art by others, the process of bringing them forth is certainly helpful to me. I realize now, too, how the creativity involved in writing has giving me respite in the past from the racing thought processes associated with mania. Writing, especially writing poems, has disciplined and ordered my chaotic mind. Now, in my depressed state, creating quilts is turning my focus to beauty rather than pain.

I feel very blessed that I can create, however simple the results of my efforts. I recognize that there is meaning in my madness, beyond simply enduring to the end. I feel God's love in all of this, and I am thankful.

1 comment:

Emily A. said...

This is an extremely personal and in depth exposure of your true self and feelings. I feel for you, as I have been there before, and I have walked the path of depression and mania many times.

I love you and I know that you are an amazing person. Your quilts ARE beautiful and a work of art. When I see them I am filled with a sense of the delight you must have in creating them.

I am glad we are artists...it makes life hecka interesting. I am happy to know you are receiving council from those who will help you, and I am happy to know you are finding comfort in that book.

I love you very much.