I have been reading the book
Touched with Fire, as recommended by my psychologist, and I am finding it fascinating and encouraging. It seems that my manic and depressed moods may be meaningful beyond what I had supposed.
I have been depressed for weeks now. Looking back on my adult life, I now see that I have been through periods of hypomania, as well as other bouts of depression, but this time has been the worst. Even with multiple medications, and frequent counseling in sessions with a good psychologist, I continue to find the ordinary tasks of day-to-day life extremely taxing, and I leave my house, when necessary, only to return emotionally exhausted, and less able to face life than before. My daughter has been doing the grocery shopping, and my son getting himself other rides to the places to which I used to drive him. Attending church, when I am able to do it, is the most difficult thing I do all week.
The medications I am taking are by no means useless, however. I am confident that without them, I would be much more depressed than I am. I am still able to function in my tasks at home. I am emotionally drained, but not in despair. My mood is clouded by sadness, but I continue to have hope and times of laughter and love. (As those who understand depression know, it is not merely a condition of sadness.) With the help of Lamictal, I have also been able to go to sleep at the same time every night, and awaken at the same time every morning, which is a very helpful improvement in my routine. I am not manic anymore, where as before medication I was in a mixed state of mania and depression most of the time. I also think that the depression is lifting, although incrementally.
Interestingly,
Touched with Fire has helped me to understand why my time creating quilts is a time that I find that I feel well. Quilting is a highly creative activity for me. I do not use patterns, but approach each project as a fresh work of art. I feel that I am using fabrics as I would use paints on a canvas. Playing with color combinations immerses me in a joy I find nowhere else. So I quilt, all day and into the evening, every day but the Sabbath. And I have learned, through reading the book, that art has been a means of healing and escape from emotional pain for many before me.
Whether or not my creations are acknowledged as worthy to be called art by
others, the process of bringing them forth is certainly helpful to
me. I realize now, too, how the creativity involved in writing has giving me respite in the past from the racing thought processes associated with mania. Writing, especially writing poems, has disciplined and ordered my chaotic mind. Now, in my depressed state, creating quilts is turning my focus to beauty rather than pain.
I feel very blessed that I can create, however simple the results of my efforts. I recognize that there is meaning in my madness, beyond simply enduring to the end. I feel God's love in all of this, and I am thankful.
