Crazy for My Own Crazy Quilt

I tried a bit of everything on this one: free-form quilting, quilting on lines drawn on, quilting with lines in the fabric. It's sort of my sampler quilt, and I just love it. I feel happy to wake up under it in the morning.

I Spy a Birthday Boy Quilt

Please Come for a Visit

If you are reading this post at Google Reader, I invite you to come and see the changes at my site. (If you have not yet subscribed to Google Reader, I encourage you to give it a try. [Thanks again, Chris, for setting me up.])

Naptime Pillow for My Valentine

Bipolar Stories

I found this collection of video clips at the BBC site. I have not experienced everything described, of course, but I found much with which I could identify in these accounts from others who have Bipolar Disorder, as I do. Please take the time to understand better what this illness is like for those of us who live with it by clicking on the link here, and viewing (or listening to) these short clips. Thanks.

Good Morning

It is no small comfort to me to wake up under a pile of homemade quilts. I love it.

More Shots of Annie's Garden Quilt

I'm grateful for this fabric collection, supplemented by others, for making this quilt so lovely to look at. I hope it helps Ann to have peaceful naps and comfy movie-breaks.

Helpful Practices and Things

I am beginning to feel better, and I am cautiously optimistic that depression may be lifting. I have learned that I need to keep my life very simple and infused with goodness. Here are some of my helpful practices and things:

Immersing myself in beauty, from such things as lovely fabrics, quilts, good writing, and nature.
Grocery shopping with a list to lessen decision-making in a stressful environment.
Doing necessary local shopping at small, familiar stores during off hours.
Letting the phone take messages instead of answering every call.
Staying in contact with friends through email.
Visiting with family.
Online shopping.
One-dish meals.
Old movies.
Chocolate.
Prayer.
Love.

A Mother's Expression of Gratitude

Ann Palizzi posted a tender letter on Kristy Ragsdale's blog today. Here is the link.

Annie's Garden Quilt

Inspirational Quilts and Fun Fabrics

Feeling very low again today, I coped by doing much window-shopping and day-dreaming at my favorite online fabric store, the FatQuarterShop. (Their service is great--very speedy.) Then, this evening, I found Hillary Lang's slide show on Flickr. Great inspiration for what to do with the fabrics I already have. Hope you enjoy browsing as much as I did today. I find it keeps me emotionally afloat like little else can do.

How blessed we are to have access to so many beautiful things through the Internet.

Depression is a Cunning Adversary

I have much to be joyful about today, yet I awoke in a meltdown mode, and have been crying intermittently all day. Depression has no logic; it attacks without provocation. Even quilting holds little appeal for me today. I am dreading the trip to the grocery store I need to make tonight.

I do have hope of a turn for the better, however. That means a lot.

Kinda Crazy Quilt

Kristy Ragdale's Eulogy

Kristy's eulogy from the memorial service in Washington State can be found on her memorial blog here.

The service was beautiful, uplifting, consoling, peaceful.

Kristy Ragsdale's Funeral

Here is the account by Caleb Warnock of the Daily Herald of Provo on the proceedings of the Utah funeral service of Kristy Palizzi Ragsdale.

A memorial service will be held for Kristy at the Stake Center of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Sumner, Washington this coming Wednesday at 11:00.

"Crazy for the J's" Quilt

The fruits of some intense quilting therapy these last few weeks.

Kristy's Families Hold Press Conference

Here is a video from the press conference held this week by the Palizzi and Ragsdale families.

Oh, how we all loved her.

Unto the Woods Quilt

The last of Grandpa's shirts.

Memories of Kristy Ragsdale

I was blessed to be one of so many who knew Kristy Palizzi Ragsdale. Click here for the blog set up in her memory. It captures beautifully her unique, amazing spirit. (For those who didn't know her, Kristy was the young mother shot to death in a church parking lot on Sunday.)

Being "Touched with Fire"

I have been reading the book Touched with Fire, as recommended by my psychologist, and I am finding it fascinating and encouraging. It seems that my manic and depressed moods may be meaningful beyond what I had supposed.

I have been depressed for weeks now. Looking back on my adult life, I now see that I have been through periods of hypomania, as well as other bouts of depression, but this time has been the worst. Even with multiple medications, and frequent counseling in sessions with a good psychologist, I continue to find the ordinary tasks of day-to-day life extremely taxing, and I leave my house, when necessary, only to return emotionally exhausted, and less able to face life than before. My daughter has been doing the grocery shopping, and my son getting himself other rides to the places to which I used to drive him. Attending church, when I am able to do it, is the most difficult thing I do all week.

The medications I am taking are by no means useless, however. I am confident that without them, I would be much more depressed than I am. I am still able to function in my tasks at home. I am emotionally drained, but not in despair. My mood is clouded by sadness, but I continue to have hope and times of laughter and love. (As those who understand depression know, it is not merely a condition of sadness.) With the help of Lamictal, I have also been able to go to sleep at the same time every night, and awaken at the same time every morning, which is a very helpful improvement in my routine. I am not manic anymore, where as before medication I was in a mixed state of mania and depression most of the time. I also think that the depression is lifting, although incrementally.

Interestingly, Touched with Fire has helped me to understand why my time creating quilts is a time that I find that I feel well. Quilting is a highly creative activity for me. I do not use patterns, but approach each project as a fresh work of art. I feel that I am using fabrics as I would use paints on a canvas. Playing with color combinations immerses me in a joy I find nowhere else. So I quilt, all day and into the evening, every day but the Sabbath. And I have learned, through reading the book, that art has been a means of healing and escape from emotional pain for many before me.

Whether or not my creations are acknowledged as worthy to be called art by others, the process of bringing them forth is certainly helpful to me. I realize now, too, how the creativity involved in writing has giving me respite in the past from the racing thought processes associated with mania. Writing, especially writing poems, has disciplined and ordered my chaotic mind. Now, in my depressed state, creating quilts is turning my focus to beauty rather than pain.

I feel very blessed that I can create, however simple the results of my efforts. I recognize that there is meaning in my madness, beyond simply enduring to the end. I feel God's love in all of this, and I am thankful.

Two Quilts and a Bunting

Jake's Quilt

More on Mental Health: Addresses to Listen To

I am so helped by listening to online talks while quilting. Here are some on the topic of mental health which may be helpful for you, whether you have these challenges yourself, or are seeking to understand better because of your love for someone else. I have listened myself to those by Jay and Dawn Fox and Alexander B. Morrison , and I heartily recommend them.

Here is the link to the search page.Type mental illness in the search box, and you should be taken to a list of talks, which are available in several formats.

Discussion of Mental Illness: a Link

If you can spare half an hour or so, and are interested in understanding better the challenges faced by our family as we struggle with bipolar disorder and depression, please read this transcript of a televised discussion by some experts in the field of mental illness. There are some good insights to be gained.



One of the discussants composed the music for this hymn. It says so much about how I feel, and how I am sustained through difficulties. I hope it blesses you, as well.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
Where with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane,
Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

(Hymn number 129,
Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,
1985.)



Thanks for caring.

Holiday Greetings!

The secret is out. We are a family of dancing elves. See here.

Nell's Own Quilt

Sewing Closet Update

Another good thing about having my sewing machine in a closet is that I can hang things from the built-in racks. It's nice to have a place for strips of fabrics just after they have been pressed.

Simple Wooden Toys

FarmBoy and I chatted a bit yesterday about memories of the best play times we had as children. The discussion was initiated by his witnessing my tossing away of three empty (plastic) thread spools. He related that some of his best memories of childhood play were of the imaginative sessions he and his playmates had with leftover wooden thread spools.

Today I saw Soulemama's post about similar play, and I was delighted. Her musings so reflect my own feelings about toys. See her blog here.

(By the way, my own favorite play memory is of a time my cousin Randy and I filled empty soda- pop cans with sand and raced them down makeshift tracks we created ourselves in the dunes along the coastline of Washington state. [Pop cans are not as nice as wood, aesthetically speaking, but we were deserving of points for recycling.] Nothing from my childhood kindles lovely memories like those of a day spent in soft gray sand with the ocean's rhythmic roar in the background.)

Pasta Salad Made Easy

Thanks to Nokiomi (not her real name, but a very cute one) for posting the recipe for one of my favorite things to eat. And thanks to Kate for creating it. See it here.

Regarding George S. Kaufman

I was encouraged to hear the following via an NPR broadcast Friday, on The Writer's Almanac:

It's the birthday of the playwright George S. Kaufman, (books by this author) born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (1889), who inherited a terrible case of hypochondria from his mother. She wouldn't let him play with other children, for fear of germs, and she wouldn't let him drink milk either. The only beverage he was allowed was boiled water. By the time he was an adult, he was terrified of being touched and he never shook hands. He was so afraid of dying in his sleep that he often didn't sleep for days. He once said, "The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine."

But despite his quirks, Kaufman managed to cowrite more hit plays than anyone else in the history of Broadway, including Animal Crackers (1928), Strike Up the Band (1930), and You Can't Take It With You (1938). His various partners through the years all said that he was a meticulous rewriter and polisher, that he was never satisfied with a script even up till the last minute. Even on the most triumphant of opening nights, he could always be found backstage, pale and terrified that the play would be a flop.

It is encouraging and touching to me to hear of artists I admire who suffered from mental health challenges. How inspiring that the author of the play from which my favorite movie was adapted struggled as he did, while becoming a blessing to so many.

Bayside Quilting

FarmBoy drove me to Olympia today, and while he listened to the Husky-Cal game on the car radio, I visited a new-to-me quilt shop called Bayside Quilting. It is my new favorite place. They had lots of fabrics like these, which I love. In fact they had the most amazing collection of 1930's reproductions, and just about everything else I could have imagined. What a treat!

If you can get to Olympia, Washington, I highly recommend you visit this shop. It is at 225 State Avenue (pretty close to the side of the bay).

Update for Kate's Sake

Jake's Quilt Progressing

Oleo Spread

Love in Blue Quilt

Wuzgonnabee

Here is the Wuzgonnabee Jake's Quilt, with the stack of squares for his new and improved quilt on top. The first quilt just didn't turn out well enough to leave the family, so I am remaking it: same fabrics, same design, more experienced quilter.

Rose Hips

I wish you could see these bright red rose hips in person. They are so big and beautiful this year. (Nice that big and beautiful can be used to describe hips, no?)

Neighborhood: November!

Spring Pallet Patchwork Spread

Healing in Patches

"Depression is not due to an unwillingness to accept responsibility, fears of coping with reality, laziness, cowardice, or weakness. It is an illness. To be sure, there are things you can do to make yourself feel better or at least stop your depression from worsening. . . . Distracting yourself in a positive manner means seeking out, and engaging in activities that keep you busy, give you pleasure, and help keep your mind off your pain and anguish."
---David J. Miklowitz, PhD, The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide, page 217

It is no small matter to me that I can get up in the morning and find this on my quilting table, waiting for me to turn it into something warm and useful and beautiful for my home. How thankful I am to be able to quilt.

Coolest Cake Ever

Check out this cake.

Don't you love it?

Lotsa Bobbins

I love having a big spool of thread for sewing my quilts, but it doesn't fit as-is onto the posts on my machine, so it tends to jump off and roll across the floor from time to time. I bought a new spool last evening, and this time I am going to transfer the thread on the tube all to bobbins. I can then feed the thread on my machine from a bobbin on the top post, as well as from the bobbin on the bottom. No more flying spools. This may make sewing a little less exciting, but more efficient, for sure.

Beauty

Here are some of the most beautiful shots of fruits and vegetables that I have ever seen. ( I happen to think that fruits and vegetables are one of the most beautiful creations ever!)

Thanks to Jane Brocket, London, England.

Two Videos to Inspire You

My husband sent me this link to clips from, of all things, "Britain's Got Talent." To my delight, these little videos absolutely made my day. I plan to watch them over and over again, to lift my spirits. I suspect that you will, too. See them here.

Sunshine Quilt

Strip of Squares for Jake's Quilt

The Lamictal Rash

My daughter got the dreaded Lamictal rash. During her fourth week on a Lamictal starter kit, she was putting on moisturizer one morning and noticed two small purple blotches on the underside of her chin. Since she was due to visit the psychiatrist in a couple of days, she continued the Lamictal until her appointment. From day to day the blotches made no change whatsoever. At the doctor's advice, she stopped taking the Lamictal and switched to Depakote. The rash was completely gone in a couple of days.

It's good that there are options available. The Depakote seems to be fine. Now I'm on Lamictal myself, week two, and I am carefully watching my skin.

Scott's Quilt

October at CloudCover Cottage

Whacky Fun

Need ideas for something to do with your friends? Check out Kiki's activities here.

Identified

After four sessions with a PhD Psychologist, the diagnoses are in: I have bipolar disorder and AD/HD.

I'm glad to have that part completed, and to soon begin medication and therapy. Stress plays a huge factor in my symptoms, so I am looking forward on learning how to better deal with the parts of my life which are beyond my control.

If anybody knows of a book out there titled something like How to Parent Your AD/HD and Bipolar Drug-Addicted Adult Child When You Have Bipolar Disorder and AD/HD Yourself, please let me know where I can buy it. (Unfortunately, I don't think that such a book exists.)

I am thankful for informed and kind professionals, for modern medications, for books and experienced others, and, especially, for a loving God who hears and answers prayers. I have great hope for a shining future. I'm on my way.

FarmBoy's New Quilt

A Marsh Morning

FarmBoy and I took our Saturday morning walk into the marshes again this morning, and we were delighted to find a path we had not been on before. As soon as we stepped onto it, we realized we had disturbed two little brown rabbits. One darted immediately into the bushes alongside the trail, but the other scurried for many feet down the middle of the path ahead of us, in full view. I am pretty sure that was so that we would be certain to acknowledge that he was sporting a truly fabulous and unusually large white tail, which was worth risking all to display.

Before turning around at trails end, which was a sidewalk and a road, we breakfasted on wild blackberries, which were growing so high as to look more like a blackberry tree than a bush. Then, on our way back from where we had come, we were surprised to realize, in the lowest-lying part close to the marsh, that we were walking among numerous shiny yellow-green frogs. There must have been hundreds of them, thumbnail sized, springing like popping corn for several yards, among the tall grasses on either side of the trail. We walked ahead single file, with our eyes fixed on our feet, to be sure we didn't step on any of the little guys.

Back in the woods closer to home, we saw a tiny squirrel, gnawing away on a nut as he perched on a tree branch. Nothing surprising in that, but a joy to witness all the same.

Health Update

So, what is my life like these days? Here is a little of it. I have wanted to post something about this for a while, but couldn't figure out how to do it just right. The bottom line is that in getting help for my daughter's depression, it became clear that both she and I have bipolar disorder. We are both being seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and we feel very hopeful about getting healthier in the days and years to come. (After all, we didn't just get it, we have had it, and will now get help.) Anyway, as I am pretty mind-numb just now, my daughter agreed to tell you what having bipolar disorder means for her. (I am sure I will have more to say in future posts.)

Here she is:

Uhh.. okay.
Bipolar, for me, is a fluctuation between four different things: a depressed state, a manic state, an anxious state, and a "normal" state. Then there's also differences and fluctuations in physical, emotional, and mental energy.

I'm pretty sure my mom and I are fast-cycling in our Bipolar. For three or four days we will have a baseline of one of the four states. Then within those days, there are other, maybe "mini states" that happen. For example, I'll be feeing a baseline depression, a manic state on top of that, and have low physical energy. I think I go through three different cycles within a day. Usually normal in the morning, anxious in the afternoon, and manic at night. Depression just likes to turn up whenever it can.

I have no idea if I'm explaining this well. Umm..

When you're depressed, you feel hopeless. Everything looks dark. You can't possibly feel happy, and when you do, it's extremely short-lived.

My manic state is usually what people would consider "hyper". I have fast moving thoughts, and I'm generally pretty perky. I laugh a lot. The downside is that I am agitated. I twitch and move a lot. I'm also quick to anger and I lash out without thinking.

Anxiety is just that fluttering, scared, unsettled feeling. I guess that could be part of manic, but it gets so extreme for me, I put it in a different category.

And normal. ♥ Normal is when nothing is really taking you over. You are generally in control of your emotions and impulses. When I'm normal I'm at peace and pretty happy.

A couple weeks ago I had a baseline normal state and I'd go through mini cycles throughout each day, but life was much more manageable. I'd feel anxious, but it wasn't overwhelming.

I guess the big sucky part about bipolar is that you're REALLY overwhelmed by any type of emotion. It's like you're feeling it as strongly as you possibly can, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm on a medication called Lamictal. It helps to keep my lows and highs at a less extreme level. Instead of constantly switching above or below the line, swinging like crazy, I can stay pretty close to that happy medium.

But I guess.. even though I'm feeling bitter about it today, bipolar is also a really cool thing. Since you experience all type of emotions and fatigue, you can really empathize with other people's problems. I think there was also some study that bipolar people are more likely to be creative, but I don't know about that.

That's enough. I tried, mom.

Wall Hanging Revisited

I got the wall hanging back and quilted it with quilting thread. I am renaming it. It is now Ethan's Quilt. I feel much better about it.

Never Give Up

Sans Auto's post today has a link to one of the most moving videos I have ever seen. Proof that things are never hopeless, when there are others who care (as there always are). Follow the link to the video here.

A Favorite Quilter and Mommy

I just love Amy (and her little Bea). Here is her latest post, with a great new quilt to love.